In the silence of my soul... I've written a little bit about that here and there... and others have, too.
I call it 4:00 O'clock in the morning when you can't wake up but you can't go back to sleep.
It's a variant of The Dreamtime...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dreamtime
...or maybe it all is just a bad dream and my Mother or Father will cradle me and wake me up from it and tell me all is well...
A cold furry muzzle poked me awake at 1:30... so I let him out. Cole-boy found things to bark at, so I dragged him back in.
And hour later he wanted out again.... bark, bark, chase scents around the yard- me chasing him... drag him back and at nearly 3:00 O'clock, decide to throw in the towel, get up, and start the day again.
Aleve, for aching bones and joints. Zantac to maybe keep me from bleeding to death internally. A few vitamins just in case my abysmal diet is not supplying them.
Trudge up those long & winding stairs and fetch a few things from my bath to be washed.
While I'm there I ponder energy use and costs and money and crank on the big fan to suck some of the heat out of the upstairs. It's not furnace-like the way it was two years ago when my Emmy died, just warm-- but still, the less heat that infiltrates the downstairs the better. So I throw a switch I replaced when she was still alive and with a great roar vast columns of warm air blow by me.
Go back down to start the wash- past the middle room with all her stuff, the empty studio
( Still haven't gotten paid for all her instruments and her brother still hasn't given me a check for all the stuff of mine he sold on ebay... and a part of does not care because she is gone, forever, to the sea... )
and down those long & winding stairs...
Start the wash- hmmm... warm or cold? Low, medium, or high water levels? As the tub fills I toss in oxygen bleach, 20 mule team borax, fabric softener and scent-free soap- then the laundry. Once that is going I climb back upstairs to shut the big fan off- it's cool enough downstairs-- go back down and consult my new Acer Aspire One...
And that is when it hits me.
Not the “gone, forever to the Sea” part. I know that part all too well. Not the “Dead & Gone” part- nobody knows any better than I how dead she was when that cold muzzle poked me awake and led me to her pitiful purple corpse.
No, what really strikes me is this-
“What am I supposed to do next?”
Now that you who I pledged my life to forever has gone away, flown to the Sun, “Alice doesn't live here anymore,” slipped your cable and sailed away beyond the Sunset...
I look at the case of my new Acer Aspire ( Miss MaryAnn has her old one now ) and when I open it up and it lights up I look at my feet...
( Yeah, they hurt all the time- somehow I could never convince my Emmy of that or how much it cost me to walk all those miles for her... )
...and in that Silence of my Soul moment I wonder....
“What do I do now?” You left me. Alone on this evil old world. You promised.
Then, you went away...
“What do I do now?”
I guess I go on. Throw it in to gear and drive, another day. Without you.