"Letters to Miss Emily..."

by **backhoe** » 07/ 18/ 10 5:49 pm

Just a close of the day entry, Heart of my Heart...

On a Sunday like this five weeks ago, you were so happy, so proud of all the weight you'd shed, so pleased with garden and yard and dogs and home.

We'd driven back from your last trip to Wal-Mart and Riverside, and you said

"What a handsome house and yard- a really fine couple must live there!"

My last look at you alive was about 8 PM, when I "turned out my light..."

I won't tell the kind people here what Cole led me to at 2 O'clock that Monday morning-- I'll just say I am glad it was me, your man, who found you, and not a stranger.

God love you hon- you were my dearest friend, and I regret I did not tell you that and other things, more.

I put the card table from your service in your studio, despite the heat, and placed the stuff from your final EFM conference on it, as well as what I took from what is now "my" little red buzz bomb of a car.

Sleep tight, my baby
johnny... loves... regrets... misses... needs... and many other things...
you

by **backhoe** » 07/ 19/ 10 2:53 am

Sweetie- a "start of the new week" entry...

...without you.

Your Pack O Dogs rousted me at 11:00 last nite... and again at 4:00 this morning, of the day when you died. It's a little better than being rousted at the time you died- but kiddo, I am really getting too old to do this frequently...

When the Sun- that "other" Great Giver of Life-- rises in the East-- where my once happy, now razed original house used to be-- I'll mow the paths dogs walk.

Life, such as it is, rolls onward... without you.

i miss you
i grieve for you, and for me, and for <B>us...</b>
the "us" that is no more, and can never be, again, ever...
your johnny
on this spinning ball of dirt
below that "other" Great Giver of Life
praying to the real Giver,
that you
and all my babies
be well...

by **backhoe** » 07/ 19/ 10 4:12 am

"Old Tin Sorrows," Redux division...

Cleaning out around the television- which you had on 24/7, went crazy when you "lost" the remote ( which 9 times out of 10, you were sitting on... ) and which I switch on for weather, or the dogs...

There's a stack of books you were going to read and never will-- and a DVD of the latest Star Trek...

Guess you didn't take it on that Final Conference June 3-5 at Honey Creek.

Guess you were saving it to savor...

I got it for you last Christmas-- along with another-- can't remember what-- you just "had to have..."

I looked everywhere-- and Honey, you never knew- because I never told you-- how much it hurt me, walking all those miles on these aching feet-- how bad it hurt me to find those for you...

But I did it, and was happy to give you something you wanted so much.

Seems like yesterday, but now?

It's a world away...

A Dead World...

And I have a yard to mow

papers to gather

a puppy outside

and miles to go

without you

by **backhoe** » 07/ 19/ 10 4:34 am

Just got a facebook ( you embraced it, I hardly use it-- it's Greek to me ) invite from BrendaK-- one of Teh Squeaky Wheelers you knew-- to a wedding.

I declined. Gave my street address, because she wanted it- yes, I know it's foolish, but I really can't manage to care anymore... nor do I know how long I can hang on here.

Got miles to go, kid- on hurting feet. You couldn't have picked a worse time to leave us.

I'll do as much as I can

and that's all I can do...

johnny

by **backhoe** » 07/ 19/ 10 4:50 am

And the final heartbreaker?

I took that stack of books & DVD's up to your card table which has "your final stuff" on it... laid it out... the latest Harry Potter was the one I got for you, that I forgot about-- it's hard to think, when you hurt so...

Sandwiched among them?

An old, old copy of "Harold & Maude..."

That was Your Movie...

That was You...

Forever young and foolish, forever old and rowdy and wise...

Gone, forever, to the Sea...

Got a yard to mow
Got Miles, to Go
Got hamburger cooking for
an old dog with bad teeth

I'll see you around, kid...

by **backhoe** » 07/ 19/ 10 9:52 am

Your dogpack had me out at 11 last nite, so I went by Lowe's and got the $94 wonder, "Grande" pet door...

Wood butchery is forthcoming, cutie...

by **backhoe** » 07/ 19/ 10 11:37 am

Came in to cool off, get "the Kid" in out of the heat-- about halfway thru setting the door in place.

I check our electronic presences on the WWW...

No email for you, besides the occasional store I haven't zapped... why would there be, you're dead, my dear.

Your facebook page has gone quiescent, too...

I look at your picture with Cole there, and sometimes it makes me feel good, and sometimes... Oh, Honey, it's so sad... like the pictures of your garden.

Still lifes, of a dead world-- I never, ever dreamed you, of all people, would become one of my Dead Worlds.

I'm glad to be doing skilled work with my hands- now, if I could just make a living doing it, and support what's left of our little family, I'd be, not happy, but content.

Naturally I took the truck this morning since I had to get wood, and I'm turning off every electrical thing in the house when not using it...

The dogs need to out-- later...

by **backhoe** » 07/ 19/ 10 3:06 pm

backhoe wrote:Your dogpack had me out at 11 last nite, so I went by Lowe's and got the $94 wonder, "Grande" pet door...

Wood butchery is forthcoming, cutie...

So much I want to tell you
so much that I would share
so many jokes and chatter
if only you were here...

( Doggerel's free, Catterel is extra... )

We'll see if you pack of mutts is smart enough to learn how to use it:

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v117/rollinson/dogdoor1.jpg" height="232" width="313">

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v117/rollinson/dogdoor2.jpg" height="232" width="313">

by **backhoe** » 07/ 19/ 10 4:44 pm

Just a foonote, Hon...

Except for the infernal heat it was another "magnificent" day-- that's my word for it.

Clouds and sky, dogs and birds... good work and the Good Earth.

wishing
you
were
here

i love you, girl of my heart
johnny

by **backhoe** » 07/ 19/ 10 5:15 pm

In the "Flow My Tears, the Policeman Said" Dept?

I just found the tapes Emily played for me shortly before she died.

Her original music.

I do not know if I have the heart to listen to her beautiful voice again, singing.
The voice she lost.

There are cassette tapes, and lyrics on paper.

Those two machines in the shops may still have analog to digital software on them- it's easy to get, in any event.

This old homebrew box I'm using now doesn't have it, or the scanner software, either. Win 2000 may be to antiquated for it.

I have a rack of Nikko stereo equipment I bought from Vernon- that friend and mall neighbor who just died-- that would probably do for playing the tapes-- the deck and preamp haven't been switched on since 1987...

Besides personal difficulties with it, someone might pirate it if I put it on the web-- and yet, I would like someone besides me to know what the world just lost. There won't be any more of it.

"...and I straighten
Miss Emily's picture
on the wall..."

by **backhoe** » 07/ 20/ 10 3:20 am

In Dawg News, today is Trash Day, so once again Cole the Golden gets to chase Teh Evil Curbmaster away from his turf-- and be startled once again, when it backs up...

Yes, darlin', I was always skeptical about that "smart as a 12 year old child" you believed.

On that other hand everyone talks about, he's learning to go out thru the dog door, and to my surprise this morning, came back in thru it with a little coaxing.

The pet door websites claim that if you have multiple pets you are lucky, since once your train one to use the door, he'll teach the others...

The downside? The door is big enough for a human, so locking the other doors is kind of problematic.

Lucky I keep a shotgun handy...

by **LAR** » 07/ 20/ 10 3:31 am

backhoe wrote:.

The downside? The door is big enough for a human, so locking the other doors is kind of problematic.

Lucky I keep a shotgun handy...

But on the upside just having a dog door that size is probably a good deterrent to any would be prowlers.

by **backhoe** » 07/ 20/ 10 3:48 am

LAR wrote:
backhoe wrote:.

The downside? The door is big enough for a human, so locking the other doors is kind of problematic.

Lucky I keep a shotgun handy...

But on the upside just having a dog door that size is probably a good deterrent to any would be prowlers.

I had thought of that-- it's a Great Dane sized door, not a kitty port.

Of course the Big Dog, while she looks like an old bear, is almost 17 and most of her teeth are missing... still, when Emily was in the yard and a stranger came near, she would advance, and "woof!" aggressively, trying to protect her "Momma."

Then again, I don't think she sees me in quite the same light...

So I keep the shotgun handy.

by **backhoe** » 07/ 20/ 10 10:21 am

Well, Miss Pretty, it's not so infernally hot today, so me & The Mutts may do some more bushwhacking-- I'm trying to increase my ability to See & Be Seen.

The "come to your house" computer guy called and said that Precision Workstation was beyond salvage. The virus was just an annoyance, it had hardware failure- not worth fixin'-

So I hied mesef' to his business and got the hard drive. Actually only one file- i *think* that's not on this old Win 2000 box, so it gets reformatted & reused.

Barry still hasn't called about the box I got right before your service, nor has the vet called back-- it's ennui City around here.

And Cole missed Teh Evil Curbmaster garbage truck while I was gone... but there's always the Budweiser truck to hope for.

It's another Magnificent ( Glorious! ) Day here...

...just a little dimmer
since you went away...

by **backhoe** » 07/ 20/ 10 1:16 pm

backhoe wrote:And in the Dept. of "Pretty Kool Beans?" This thing

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v117/rollinson/dellupstairs.jpg" height="232" width="313">

Got her running again-

You used to rib me-- in a good way- about my propensity for hoarding old hardware. We still have the Tandy 1000SX that was our first PC ( DOS 3.2 ) at Riverside-- you never know when you might want to play "Swords of Glass" again... and during that "Recovery" project two years ago I finally ditched most of those old backplane cards including Hercules graphics and memory expanders.

Well, I remembered some old 40 and 80 gig drives in a drawer, so not knowing of they had been wiped, used as outboard drives, or what, plugged one in to the Optiplex 160, and it was one I had cloned on to a bigger drive- it came from that machine, and loaded perfectly.

Seems to date from 2005, so the cookies and bookmarks are 'way obsolete, but I'll plug the drive I pulled into that universal adaptor, and copy files from there.

It may be old and slow, but at the rate I've been killing PC's, having yet another to fall back to might be wise.

But I'll finish this up in the cooler hours of the morning- we're burning up here.

Cole was lurking under the magnolia tree when the mail came, and got a treat from Mr. Jones. We got junk mail, and more catalogs to mark "She's Dead! Return!"

I'm getting testier about this...

"Letters to Miss Emily..."

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