"Letters to Miss Emily..."

[backhoe]

And in the Dept. of "I shouldda stood in bed? This thing

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v117/rollinson/dellupstairs.jpg" height="232" width="313">

when I rebooted it returned the message "file xxx is corrupt or missing!" Use the Recovery Console..."

Never had any luck with their blessed Recovery Console, and didn't this time around, either-- I'm running chkdsk /r in hopes it might fix it.

I could reformat the drive and reinstall Win 2000, but that would lose the stuff on it. We don't really need an upstairs computer... you always used your wireless laptops or netbook, anyway... I just...

I just guess it would be like you might have used it.

What I ought to do is either wait for Barry's Box to come back in whatever form, or get that PC I built in 2004-- the one with the dubious motherboard, stick the Dell's drive into that universal adaptor, and snatch the files off of it. Later...

[backhoe]

Well, Cutie,

No gas tank, and no call from Barry, so I dragged the old PC in the darkroom built from four boxes of parts from Tiger Direct, replaced the 5 1/4 floppy drive with a spare CD drive *we* had, and booted her up.

That "Bless the Broken Road" you sent me was on it-- dates stopped at 2007, and how I wish we could roll the clock back to then. Even tho that was when Taff died, we did get Cole, you loved your job...

Futility, I know...

It was another Glorious Day! I wish you were sharing it with us. I'll always wonder why such a good and talented life slammed into that Great Iron Curtain so early.

Nothing in the mail I couldn't manage without you- the Amigo's insurance bill came, and went from $256 a cycle to $34 and some change-- wish we had done that when you quit your job-- we could use that money, now.

Zoey hid out in the bath during a storm last nite, so I got a rug ( had to rehang the door )- so she could get up & down without slipping.

Saw crows chasing a hawk away from that tree where you & watched another hawk with my binoculars not long ago... remember?

I gotta feed us now...
I am thinking about writing a piece,

"Love Owes a Debt"-- we talked about the subject, and while it is mostly about what happened when Helen died, it applies to other things, as well.

If I can pull it off, I will post it later, and I need to add another writing of yours to your death post.

johnny
on this old ball of dirt
spinning around the Sun
loves you, Emmy...

[backhoe]

“Old Tin Sorrows...”

I guess it's the old ad man in me, but I have always been intrigued by book titles, the ones that deliver unexpected surprises, like “Flow My Tears, the Policeman Said,” and those that seem to promise much, but don't quite pull it off...

“The Stress of Her Regard”

“Old Tin Sorrows...”

I ran across an Old Tin Sorrow just now...

On my To Do list for today ( and yes, it started early, the dogs, again... ) is a little note to “set up upstairs computer”

No, I know you won't be coming home again, and the “recover the upstairs” project we started about the time Miss Lucy died will be forever on hold...

...kind of like your studio with its 80's era synths and electronics, and pictures and needlepoint from a

“Life, Interrupted...”

...but I wanted to do it, anyway-- who knows, with my Touch O Death for electronics, I might need it as a fallback computer one day.

Like I mentioned earlier, we have been turning off as much of the electrical stuff here as we can-- last nite, I figured that shutting the main PC down when I sleep will shave $3 a month off the power bill-- so, thinking I'd just use a flashlite to get up those long, winding, and very dark stairs... I started looking for that special flashlite I bought you when Taffy was ailing. You loved it.

It was by your side of the bed, stuffed down among the power strip I built for you.

Dusty. Dirty. Unused since Taff no longer needed you to help her out in the dark.

Batteries dead- I replaced them.

On the floor by it?

One of your Virginia Slim Ultra Lite Regulars ( God help me if I brought home so other variant of the nasty things! )...

On that diet you were so proud of and dedicated to, you went from a pack a day ( probably safe, my Mom did that, lived to 84 with clear lungs-- other things killed her. ) to three ( pretty risky- I do it, but I don't really care, anymore... )-- but when they carved you up, they said your lungs looked fine...

There it was- just one of your smokes, fallen, forgotten, dusty and wrapped in dog hair...

An Old Tin Sorrow...

[backhoe]

Getting ready to head out, Short Stuff--
( who was almost six feet tall when younger )

-- I know I am supposed to quit making daily trips to save on gas, but the mutts need food.

Zoey wouldn't eat yesterday-- not even cooked hamburger, Braunswieger, and chicken broth would coax her to eat, so she missed her medicines. This morning I dished out some of Cole's Beneful turkey medley and she snarfed it right down- so I have to get more for the both of them. She also hardly moved yesterday, but today she stayed out in the yard with us while I was paying bills on the porch, and walked quite a lot-- who knows what was bothering her? Might be a bad tooth. I suspect her dry food is just too hard to chew with all those teeth missing.

Anyway, while I'm out I'll look in to another bright idea I had. Those Circline fixtures in the kitchen & laundry each consume 54 Watts of power. If I can find a couple of "tulip" fixtures with 3 or 4 bulbs, I can wire pull-chain switches to each socket, allowing selective light & power consumption. Say a 10 W CFL for a nitelite, and the 2 or 3 remaining with progressively higher Wattages.

Yes, the dangling chains will look a little odd, but who gives a hoot?

It's another one of your "glorious days!"

wishing you were by me
johnny

[backhoe]

Kiddo, I'm going to write this one early, and may or may not pen a closing one, depending on what happens...

Home Despot had the same assortment as Lowes, so I could look at the lighting fixture companies- or, I could "rob" the one fixture we have like I want ( it came from the long-departed West's ) and put it in the laundry. It only has 3 bulbs, and I really want 4 for the kitchen, which has much more area to illuminate.

Nothing dire in the mail, but your 401K ( which has a Death Benefit- guess that's me, now ) dropped $500 in value-- thanks, Comrade Zero, and your idiot friends in DC. You're doing a good job of killing business, the economy, and the future for average people. "Hope" you're proud of yourselves.

Sons of Bitches...

Needless to say I haven't been eating very well-- between you disappearing act, explaining to every place we got takeouts what happened to you ( Only one meal? How come? ) and a reluctance to cook for myself, I've been feeling pretty rotten and seem to be shrinking...
( It's the New Widower's Diet! Loose weight like crazy! Cigarettes and Ice Water Do It Every Time! )

...so when I passed a pallet of "muscle milk" at WallyWorld, I grabbed a pack.

Get home, and the first thing I notice is "No milk products are used." This is a plus?

I have rarely tasted a viler concoction of assorted chemical tastes in my life... I'm saving the remainder for hurricane season as emergency rations... of the last resort.

Next time around, I got Ensure, and not only does it have all the vitamins and minerals that I told you you needed to heal your cracked ribs ( and I was Right! ) it tastes pretty good, and I'm feeling a lot less "punky."

It occurred to me I'd better be sure our AAA card is in your Mitz-- and damn if I could find your copy in either the car of your purse. Kind of like that EFM checkbook, I know you had to have it somewhere handy for you, but damn if I could find it. I finally realized I have the duplicate you gave me, in my wallet. So if I break down, I will have a chance and a way to get back to the "kids."

Like I've said before-

I'm OK most of the time. Then, when I'm not? It's about as bad as anything I've lived thru. Probably a little worse. Aside from all the worries about me, the future, work, money, hanging on to the house ( or moving to your Mom's old run-down house )?

I miss you, and hate what happened to you so much I cannot really voice it.

It was another "Glorious Day!"
Birds and dogs and clouds and sky, the Good Earth revolving
without you...

i love you
johnny

[backhoe]

Annoyances...

Typing this from the backup box, brought down from the upstairs this morning... got that damned "Windows Security Center" virus on the Dell last evening.

Had it once before, and Malwarebytes got it easily, but only in safe mode.

Tried that, MB claimed it got it, but it only got worse, until booting in safe mode logged me in, then shut it all down.

Guess it's time to try one of those "come to your house" PC geeks-- if I can find one on a Saturday... or just reformat the damn thing... oh, wait! We never did get a legit copy of XP, did we? Just Win 2000... hell, that might be good enough.

This box has it, and it sure loads & runs faster than XP.

It's another *glorious day!* kid O mine... just not quite so brite, without you.

I took the 3 bulb tulip fixture in the upstairs bedroom, put pullchains on 2 of the sockets, and put it in the laundry-- so now I have nitelite & higher lighting for day & nite.

I could do that in the kitchen, too-- if I want to take the other fixture from your studio... another little part of Miss Emily, gone... I put it there, for you, in 1987.

And, of course, that means 2, not 1, fixtures upstairs that will have to be replaced with something-- not all modern fixtures will fit those antique wiring boxes.

Zoey is eating the soft Beneful easily, so I guess the problem was her old teeth... I still cringe when I look inside her mouth. Probably what mine will be looking like, without your job and its medical plan...

Smokey is barking across the street, so both dogs want out...

I'll see you... later...
kid

i love you emmy
john

[backhoe]

It's been a Big Day for Dogs so far-- I tried every trick I could think of-- even Ubuntu-- for the Dell, but no luck, so I called a "come to your house" computer specialist. He came with his wife, took the box with him, and since he said he had a sixteen year old dog, I "released the hounds," and they wagged and sniffed and danced.

The clouds are gorgeous-- if only you were here to see them, Emmy.

I don't know if I want to go to the trouble of exchanging that fixture in your studio with the kitchen circline-- the latter gives better light, the 10 W CFL I use as a nitelite is pretty good as it is, and I really don't want to lug that huge stepladder up and down those back stairs you always were afraid of.

Mayhap I'll do something else this weekend.

I know I need to get your death certificates-- and maybe I'll start doing that and related things next week- but O Lord, do I dread it.

It's hotter than Hades down here-- I'm trying to hold the electric bills down, but even as much as I've shaved Zoey, she suffers in the heat so.

As long as only the 5,000 BTU unit in the "bedroom" runs, the meter doesn't spin much faster than usual- but like I told you right before you checked out, "turn on one of the big heat pumps, it spins like a top-- turn on both of them, the meter tried to take off and fly..."

Waiting for the mail...
Wishing you were with us, kid...

[backhoe]

"Love Owes a Debt"

http://www.freedominion.com.pa/phpBB2/v ... 74#1514074

[backhoe]

Well, Sweet Pea, I decided to bite the bullet and get a pizza from Fox downtown- thankfully they didn't ask why a "small" this time. The flirty, somewhat over the hill redhead did give me the wrong pizza, though... stopped me before I drove away- I thought it was kind of large and expensive. The magic of O-banomics is at work, though-- it used to be $5.99, now it's $9.63... but I can get three meals from it.

It only hurt a little, remembering how you relished their pizzas.

Pulled three floodlites-- despite that "roving Hispanic Yute" problem, I think there are enough lites to do that-- another $3 a month less.

I'm shutting down my PC and putting your beloved netbook on doze when I'm not using them, now-- I should have thought about that earlier-- you've been gone a month and three days by the calendar.

Gee, ain't it funny, how time slips away... like you did.

I am leaving the cable "modem" ( it's a network device... ) and router on, because when I forget they are off, your netbook locks on "an unsecured network," and I don't want to inadvertently poach a signal. The "Network Deb" you used to "see" must be that neighbor across the street in the falling-down house.

I cleaned the window in the laundry that's by your old keyboard hardcase-- the one I used to lug around for you-- and opened the shade. Since it's under the back stairs it should not add much heat and it's kind of nice to see something when you're working in there.

Your spice & vegetable garden are going to seed- I sure wish Miss Cherry would take some of it before it's a ruin- I don't know what to do with it.

Kind of like I don't know what to do about me, the future, and...

Well, enough. You were so proud of it, dammit. Dedicated it to your Mom's memory, but when you started dieting, it became a practical help.

I used to worry some about your eating things grown there because that's where they dumped the debris from that roof fire long ago- lead paint and plaster in the soil... guess I don't need to trouble myself with that, anymore.

There are so many things I remember, so much I know, about you, and us--- and it's meaningless, now. I look around the house, remembering each change, modification, improvement or new construction I did over the years... for you.

Well, I have furry children to run, so I'll be running along...

missing you
i love you
johnny

[backhoe]

I always worried about your getting T-boned, my dead, blind baby:

http://www.freedominion.com.pa/phpBB2/v ... 44#1514244

Don't have to worry about that, anymore... do I?

Meanwhile, your "kids" got me up at midnite ( really, 3:00 was bad enough ) and I discovered I'd left one of the big heat pumps running, again... I'll get this "new austerity" right eventually. Maybe...

Oh, well, at least Zoey was cooler.

I found a name in one of your google searches ( remember kids, Windows stores stuff you may not want others to find... ) of a fella I think was an old lover of yours, so I found him on facebook and dropped him a note...

Haven't heard back yet. Death really is "the great equalizer"-- if he's the guy I think he might be, I hope you and he had a great time, back then.

God bless you, honey
johnny

[backhoe]

Honey, I jammed my toe yesterday- on Zoey's ramp, in the half dark of morning, and it hurts like a son of a bitch-- I don't *think* it's broken, but it sure turned purple...

Since I did that 09 Jul 2010, and the damned thing still hurts, I guess I did break it...

Just one, of many, not set properly-- so it may become "the toe I remember you by..."

[backhoe]

Well, I saved up two days worth of wash-- less than the two of us washed in one day-- and did it and hung it on the new clothesline while Cole sat in the middle of where your pool was, dreaming his doggy dreams.

Checked the watthour meters-- they sure are running slower, and I used the web to find the power consumption of that CRT TV I bought you last summer-- only 86 Watts. I'm amazed-- CRT's used to be power hogs.

So I guess I can leave it on for the "children."

The bug zapper I got you for your pool needs a new tube- just bought the bleedin' thing last spring, which seems forever ago-- it's like that when someone you love dies and the World changes...

I dreamed about you again, and again I could not remember it long enough to even speak of it- how strange. But it wasn't a bad dream... I sure hate those.

It cooled off, and Zoey is eating better and walking more-- seems to be well enough, except for those toenails that need trimming so badly-- we were Fixin' to do it"-- that next week that never came for you.

I think I will take that card table I bought for your service and set it in your studio-- there is room-- and put all the stuff I moved "since you went away" on it so it's not scattered around.

It'll hurt- especially that "good luck angel dog" from your little red buzz bomb... it wasn't very lucky for you, was it?

Then again, you weren't in your car, now, were you?

You know-- if you know anything, now-- that I really don't know what to do. I never quite got the hang of being an adult, or making my own way in the world-- I always needed someone beside me.

I guess I'll just keep faking it, like I always have-- but it scares the pee out of me, honey.

Gotta go to Wal-Mart again-- there's just too much stuff we need, and that's the one place I can get it all, instead of making a lot of stops.

In the good news, I've put 115 miles on a tank of gas, and the gauge is down a quarter. If it were my truck, it'd be at half empty already.

Well, I have "stuff" to do, and miles to go...
without you beside me.

johnny misses you, varmint...

[backhoe]

Well, Miss Pretty, I made it back from Shopper's Hell- stopped at Lowe's and got a sweep for the back door.

Remember when Taffy was ailing the final year, she kept losing her footing going out, so I cut diamond treads in the threshold and put down a rug? The old sweep naturally caught on the rug, so we removed it. I just kind of noticed the half inch gap last nite-- sealing it should cut the infiltration of hot air.

I'm going to look in to getting a doggie door to install at the base of one of those floor to ceiling windows in your office area.

In the unlikely event I find work, if I can train them to use it, that would solve one thing that's been preying on my mind.

Also, since this house is a firetrap, it might give them a chance to get out.

Of course, animals are like small children- their instinct is to run as far away as they can- in the house...

But at least they wouldn't be trapped behind closed doors- they'd at least have a small chance of escaping.

The downside is the doors I've seen can blow open in high winds, and the sealing isn't perfect- more hot or cold air infiltration would result.

You know, as bad as Vernon's death was, at least he and MaryAnn had a chance to get things in order, go over old memories together, and say goodbye.

We didn't even get that chance.

[backhoe]

To steal one of your titles,

"The weirdest thing just happened..."

My eyes were tired, so I reclined in our bed, Cole at my feet ( Ah! The furriness!" As you used to say... he really does feel good on my aching feet ) and not intending to, nodded off...

When I awoke from that semi-sleep state, for a second, I felt you beside me- and it was thoroughly good, and comforting. Very reassuring.

Thanks, baby...

[backhoe]

...and I remember two walks on the beach with you...

A few years ago, you really wanted to walk East Beach... you were still tall & slender, I, shrunk and whipcord and wire...

I really didn't want to display myself, but it really meant a lot to you, so we went.

Took one look at all the out-of-shape people, and felt a little better about my self...

Our 25 th-- and final-- anniversary, you really wanted to walk the south beach on Jekyll, so we went, and it was lovely.

Guess it's just as well we did not know what the future had in store...

johnny, who's mostly OK
but sometimes
is not