"Letters to Miss Emily..."

[WestViking]

Those who we let into the intimate part of our lives along with children are on loan from our Creator. We never know who will be called home or when, let alone the why of it all. I think that is part of the plan as if we knew when those we hold dear were going to leave us, we would go mad with dread. As it is, we have to cope with the loss, emptiness and our thoughts of what might have been. We are crippled as we truly have become 'one flesh' for better or worse and feel only half there with a mate gone. The emotional hurts are harder to deal with then a physical hurt. On the outside we look much the same, but inside we are in turmoil. Worse, talking out our hurt is hard as we grow used to a form of shorthand we use for communicating with a spouse. Decades of shared experience do that. Sparse words kindle memories of similar or appropriate situations and a nod or laughter that signifies understanding. Such conversations with others is not possible so we have to relearn communications with other people.

[backhoe]

Those who we let into the intimate part of our lives along with children are on loan from our Creator. We never know who will be called home or when, let alone the why of it all. I think that is part of the plan as if we knew when those we hold dear were going to leave us, we would go mad with dread. As it is, we have to cope with the loss, emptiness and our thoughts of what might have been. We are crippled as we truly have become 'one flesh' for better or worse and feel only half there with a mate gone. The emotional hurts are harder to deal with then a physical hurt. On the outside we look much the same, but inside we are in turmoil. Worse, talking out our hurt is hard as we grow used to a form of shorthand we use for communicating with a spouse. Decades of shared experience do that. Sparse words kindle memories of similar or appropriate situations and a nod or laughter that signifies understanding. Such conversations with others is not possible so we have to relearn communications with other people.

You're right about all of that. It's hard to do but I try to adjust my thinking from “it was a tragedy that Emily ( and Helen ) died so young” to “It was a miracle I had and held them for as long as I did...”

Sometimes I even succeed in convincing myself of that. I'm getting better at it.

It's not like you step over a bright line and behind you is utter darkness and ahead sunlight & birds singing- you get better a step at a time, fall back, then get a little ahead again.

Maybe MaryAnn and I can help each other with that. All I can think to do is take it one stinkin' day at a time and let the future take care of itself.

-30-

[RedDog]

All I can think to do is take it one stinkin' day at a time and let the future take care of itself.

It's a bit of a shock how many are living that way - when it always wasn't that way.

[WestViking]

Maybe MaryAnn and I can help each other with that. All I can think to do is take it one stinkin' day at a time and let the future take care of itself.

At one point in my life, I sat down with a clergyman I admired for his grasp of theology. I had certain pulls in my life that I did not understand and hoped he could help. His advice was simple: "Keep an eye out for those who need a hand; not help - a hand. Do what you can and God will guide you."

Over the years since, I have found his advice to be dead accurate.

[backhoe]

WestViking & RedDog? I certainly thank you for your words and for following me along on this strange and unwelcome trip towards the end of my life. ( And thanks to the others who look here or stop by to speak )

While I would rather not have gone down this road, better me than Miss Emily or Miss Helen. They would have done it grace & style and a fair bit of cussing... still I am glad they were spared this cup. If I weren't a tough old bird I would not have made it this far- I can walk a ways with this and with each step it grows a little lighter.

I seem to have stepped from my comfortable world of genteel poverty into a redneck production of "The King & I..."

And that's fine by me. I'll take what life offers & be grateful. Dammit!

[Edward Kennedy]

Life is exciting. You never know what to expect. One of my friends always was asked by me everytime I called, "What is exciting" and he always for years answered 'Nothing, just carrying on"

Called a few days ago and one of the biggest events in his life started...he met a gal, with core beleifs much as his and she is taken with him. Her and her husband were/are Christians and he was murdered in the Rwandan genocide. She and the two boys escaped and came here, and they are each what the other was looking for. Each day we talk he is overflowing with plans and dreams they both share. He has been alone since his wife ran on him and thta has been about two decades and now all of a sudden he is heading for marriage. I will meet her shortly but he has high standards so I am sure she is a fine gal.

See what the difference 24 hours makes in your existence?

On another note, speaking of excitment, I took off back to a place on a lake and used the motorcycle to get there. I had 20 miles to go for a consultation and when I turned off the main road onto a paved side road, there were snakes everywhere..piles of em, a black rat and lots of water and garter snakes. Came around a corner and there was a deer, I did not see it in the shade and as it was I was over with my bars slapping the long grass at the road edge. If it had not headed into the ditch further I woud have been wearing it.

A few miles after that I am hitting some heavy turns and all of a sudden I see the road is torn up and gravelled. Panic but got up straight and braked hard and made it.

Arriving at the client's place I scored a four digit job and enjoyed the ride back.

You never know BUT YOU might be the winner tomorrow. Who knows, you might meet a rich heiress and have a life changing event. I am taking them as they come, being alone, but enjoying a simple existence, same as you.

You know all this, but at times we need to be reminded of it. LIfe is not always a bitch and then you die.

[backhoe]

Those are two good stories Edward- to quote myself, "I'll take what life offers & be grateful, dammit..."

[Edward Kennedy]

DIfferent things happen every day, good and bad...but all are exciting.

[backhoe]

DIfferent things happen every day, good and bad...but all are exciting.

"May you live in interesting times..."

I actually though of having a sign made with that on it and putting it in the yard when I was going through all that legal Hell with those first in-laws.

I'll abide.

[Edward Kennedy]

Looking back, even the bad times are good...

[backhoe]

Looking back, even the bad times are good...

Like tempering steel. I learned a lot about people in hard times- admittedly it was things my parents had told me about, reality was just confirmation.

Even in the worst moments of my recent troubles there were acts of kindness and goodness and moments of fun and humor.

And some of the best times and memories with both wives were when we were dirt-poor and struggling- because we had each other first and foremost.

[Edward Kennedy]

Looking back, even the bad times are good...

Like tempering steel. I learned a lot about people in hard times- admittedly it was things my parents had told me about, reality was just confirmation.

Even in the worst moments of my recent troubles there were acts of kindness and goodness and moments of fun and humor.

And some of the best times and memories with both wives were when we were dirt-poor and struggling- because we had each other first and foremost.

Yup...

[backhoe]

Cole and I mostly screwed around the yard & house today- gave the cleaning a lick & a promise. I tried vacuuming the car and am almost ready to hire a mobile detailer to get the dog hair out- it's very stubborn even with a shop vac.

We're in two shower & change territory now and I note with annoyance the New Old Spice deodorant just is not as good as the old, round aromatic stick. I found one dealer on Amazon who purports to sell it but the customer reviews debunked that... they are selling the new stuff.

I just remembered something that happened right before Emily died- I know I have written about a series of heart to heart talks we'd had back then and how except for the money & the marital relations being out of whack both of us were quite happy with where we'd been together, where we were going, and how we were in the present- very content.

What I had not written- I don't think, I just recalled it-- when that knowledge came to me I felt a bolt of fear shoot down my back.

Because every time that had happened in the past- being well-content? Something God-awful seemed to follow it.

And so it did. And still I abide.

And the mundane world intrudes- Cole is still loosing his winter undercoat and I swear he's lost enough hair to make two more dogs. Damn dog...

-30-

[backhoe]

We are under a "severe thunderstorm watch" here- "watch" my furry butt- there's thunder & lightning & rain all around.

I emailed a heads-up to MaryAnn and soon as the lightning started pealing I got a Border Collie in my lap- he's never done that before. I have a pansy for a Son...

[backhoe]

We are under a "severe thunderstorm watch" here- "watch" my furry butt- there's thunder & lightning & rain all around.

I emailed a heads-up to MaryAnn and soon as the lightning started pealing I got a Border Collie in my lap- he's never done that before. I have a pansy for a Son...

The storm passed out to sea- I stayed up until I was sure it had left MaryAnn unscathed-- then we turned in- me & my pansy son...

Overnight I got an email from my sometimes Boss Lady & cute widow I seem to be seeing, to get the top drawer file contents ( tenants ) from 545 Ocean, see if the way was clear there for new tenants to the upstairs apartment, get her small parking signs from 621 Ocean ( “don't go in the building!” That much I know- it's not hers anymore... and she's well rid of it. ) and stand by to look after her kitties if she has to go to Florida.

That, I can do as soon as the Sun rises enough to get out of my eyes. Sure wish I'd had these cataracts fixed before Emmy so foolishly quit her job & lost her medical plan. But I'll get there “directly.”

You all do know I don't know what the Devil I'm doing, don't you? I expected to live the last of my life out with Miss Emily, drawbacks & all, get old, get sick & die, and leave life to her...

Then, she slipped her cable and left me here- holding the bag. I really don't know what I'm doing.

It's all so eerie- a part of me still can't believe my Emily-girl is gone. Despite all that I saw.
A part of me shrugs and says, “well, that is just how it went- you have to go on. Alone? So be it. That is how it is...”

Another part of me- where did all these Johns come from?-- finds getting to know another woman fascinating. A whole 'nother person in her own right with her own loves & hates & longings-- we had a parallel course over 30 years ago, veered apart for many years... then came back together.

I really don't know what it means. All I can do is “...set my sail when the tide comes in, and I just cast my fate to the wind...”

-30-