"Letters to Miss Emily..."

[backhoe]

...Summarizing shorter because I’m crying again.
.
Mama died peacefully this morning at 11:45.

I can’t type anymore. Please tell the Bishop and anyone else who wonders where I’ve been...

God love you, Hon... I can see, better than anyone here, the world of agony you suffered.

I did what I could... I guess it wasn't enough, it never is, but I did try.

I told you that when your Mom "went" ( started to die ) it would be fast, trying to prepare you as well as I could. But you still sounded so shocked when you called me and told me she'd died.

I guess we all, always hope, that at the last minute God or somebody will pull a rabbit out of the hat and save the day...

Everyone cheats Death repeatedly, except that one last time.

Zoey had to go out at three-- a normal time. Cole barks his head off at nothing I can see- you sure didn't do me any favors spoiling him rotten.

I looked up the Tramadol the Vet gave me, and darned if it isn't a codeine analog- 50 milligrams of it-- no wonder the old girl was sleeping so much yesterday!

I'm going to split the morning pill in half, and see if she gets enough pain relief-- the directions are one every 12 hours, but I only gave her the one tablet in the morning. She sleeps like a log at nite, so I can't see any advantage to giving her one in the evening.

I guess I can "unrig" 'our' car for transporting old dogs now-- her ear looks fine, except for the oddity of buttons all over it, and in a pinch I can lift her in to the truck if need be...

I guess finding all those essays of yours in your "misc" folder was a godsend-- it means I can keep "died" going for a while without digging thru and scanning you papers...

On that other hand everyone talks about? In a few days, you will "have gone away" two months... some point comes, to "move on..."

To figure out, to quote you, "what do I do with what's left of my life?"

Just a heartbeat ago, it seemed like life stretched out forever in front of me- so many choices, so many possibilities, so many things to do...

...so much time to do it in.

Now? "...the days grow short when you reach September..."

http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/frank ... _song.html

love you, Hon
wish you were here
miss you
wish I had known, so many things, sooner
keep thinking about Pennick Road
and the last time I went there, long ago
when you were alive and our marriage was new
years & miles, time, flowing like a river

bye, baby
johnny loves you
johnny is very tired of the hurt

[backhoe]

http://www.freedominion.com.pa/phpBB2/v ... 08#1512608<P>- she really was, "the real deal..." She has the faith of a little child, locked hand in hand with That Giant Brain...
<br>

<br>
Me? I'm supposed to have one of those things, too ( Hey! Genius? Ya gonna wash, or dry? )
<br>

<br>
I just have questions...
<br>

<br>
Here is a picture-- our first Christmas together, on that "prestigious, private Island," in The House of the Satanist ( see other references )--

<br>

<br>
<img src="http://tinyurl.com/22jmd7j" height="232" width="313">
<br>

<br>

<br>
It is "so Emily..."
<br>

<br>
Bandanna...
<br>

<br>

Her beloved Shelly the miniature Shetland Sheepdog on the sofa, behind her...
<br>

<br>
Brother Robert, unwrapping a present...
<br>

<br>
The Kawi upright-- that my first wife gave to me, and which I gave to her- in the background...
<br>

<br>
My photographs ( where did they go? ) from a life of photography on the walls behind her...
<br>

<br>
This:

<br>
<b>
<br>
...was the girl that I married...</b>
<br>

<br>
Sleep tight
<br>
my little girl
<br>
your johnny
<br>
loves you
<br>
still...

[Edward Kennedy]

Summer Side of Life - Gordon Lightfoot

He came down through fields of green
On the summer side of life
His love was ripe
There was no illusions
On the summer side of life
Only tenderness

And if you saw him now
You'd wonder why he would cry
The whole day long

There was young girls everywhere
On the summer side of life
They talked all night
To the young men that they knew
On the summer side of life
Going off to fight

And if you saw them now
You'd wonder why they would cry
The whole day long

He came down through fields of green
On the summer side of life
He prayed all night
Then he walked into a house
Where love had been misplaced
His chance to waste

And if you saw him now
You'd wonder why he would cry
The whole day long

[Edward Kennedy]

Each challenge faced, every triumph, every defeat, every tragedy, sends one off in a direction unknown, unseen, and unfelt until the event.

[backhoe]

Edward, I just finished "unrigging" 'our' car ( her little red buzz bomb of an Eclipse ) for moving old dogs, and in doing so noticed, for the first time since taking it out of her car, a backpack she had slung over the driver's seat:

A pair of binoculars from her brother's now-shut camera store.
A magnetic floodlite I got her for emergencies.
A toolkit I got her, a collection of pocketknives and Leatherman tools, as above.
Her "Rodger's Organs" cap, from the 1997 rebuild of the St. Mark's organ.

So many memories there- some very happy, some very sad.

All of a "Girl, Interrupted..."

Meanwhile, I've got an old dog to feed and doctor, and I really ought to get that mowing deck I built for mowing the six acres at Haase Farm Service, and bring it here-- I'm tired of pushing that little Sears mower. It's a three-ring circus to get it, however-- the only trailer I have to move it I really don't like to tow-- it's a piece of junk.

Get it here, and if I open the gates, the dogs go crackers and try to get out-- or, I could drive the deck into the garage until I take the trailer back to HFS.

It was easier, when she was here.

[Edward Kennedy]

Edward, I just finished "unrigging" 'our' car ( her little red buzz bomb of an Eclipse ) for moving old dogs, and in doing so noticed, for the first time since taking it out of her car, a backpack she had slung over the driver's seat:

A pair of binoculars from her brother's now-shut camera store.
A magnetic floodlite I got her for emergencies.
A toolkit I got her, a collection of pocketknives and Leatherman tools, as above.
Her "Rodger's Organs" cap, from the 1997 rebuild of the St. Mark's organ.

So many memories there- some very happy, some very sad.

All of a "Girl, Interrupted..."

Meanwhile, I've got an old dog to feed and doctor, and I really ought to get that mowing deck I built for mowing the six acres at Haase Farm Service, and bring it here-- I'm tired of pushing that little Sears mower. It's a three-ring circus to get it, however-- the only trailer I have to move it I really don't like to tow-- it's a piece of junk.

Get it here, and if I open the gates, the dogs go crackers and try to get out-- or, I could drive the deck into the garage until I take the trailer back to HFS.

It was easier, when she was here.

Everything seems better and easier and more pleasant when "they" were here in our existence. That will be a constant.

Learning to live with oneself is the most labor intensive event in our existence. It could be worse for you, just consider the ramifications if you were me.

[backhoe]

Everything seems better and easier and more pleasant when "they" were here in our existence. That will be a constant.

Learning to live with oneself is the most labor intensive event in our existence. It could be worse for you, just consider the ramifications if you were me.

You are probably right- I have enough problems being my own black-hearted self.

I note with annoyance ( while I was inflating tires and filling my air tank-- that trailer is notorious for losing air in the tires ) that all the pretty planting Miss Emily did along the side of the garage is causing splash damage, and rotting the siding.

It's fixable now-- if I soak the wood in copper napthanate, and dig up her damn plants.

I told her not to do stuff like that, for that very reason... but did she listen?

Nooo...

[backhoe]

You sure gave me a hard gig to play, Emmy...

Last first: when I came home- after being gone far longer than I like--

Cole jumps down, runs out, and looks behind me-- for you.

He spent the morning lying in the dead zone where you pool was. I can't get more than a random sprig of grass to grow there...

I had headed out this morning to do a number of things-

Check HFS for more vandalism
Get screen to cover the ACs' top grills-- I'm sure the old one's troubles started when all that oak pollen got in it that way
Crank the deck
Check the trailer
Shop Wal Mart
Get dirt to fill all the holes you Golden Boy has been digging
Get something to eat

I shoulda stood in bed...

I should have known I was off to a bad start when I went looking for one of you many water bottles ( heat index 104 today ) befroe realizing I had thrown them all away... just more missing pieces of Emily...

Got to your Mom's place, and everything looked OK, so I got the screen and tried cranking the deck... not even a click-- battery's dead.

I realize that if I try to charge it there, the charger will probably get stolen, so after much cussing & hammering, get it free and load it in the truck.

Since I'm not getting the deck today, I leave the air tank in the office, and go check your house.

It's OK, but dear God, it is a sad place with both you & your Mom dead.

I check the leak in your bedroom, and there's the chair you sat in last time we were there. All your childhood stuff, and I don't know half of its signifigance.

Can never know.

Lock up and head to WallyWorld.
Wonder if I ought to just get another battery... yeah, it's more money, but that deck won't start without it, and the old battery is, well, old. No date, but it came from Sears so it's years old.

But of course they want a core, and I don't feel like lugging the Bat Tree to the far side of the store.
Get Epsom salts instead to try to revive it.

Go to Lowe's and get 2 bags of dirt.
Get a breakfast on a bun, head home...

...and Cole jumps and runs and looks for you

"You picked a fine time to leave (us), Lucille..."

[backhoe]

Oh, BTW? Another termite bait spike popped up. Better hope that stuff works as claimed...

[backhoe]

You know, kid, dying like you did was low comedy-- or maybe comic opera...

I've been trying to get the name changed on our cable service.

Filled out one set of forms-- they came back to day with yet more forms--

Seems they want you signature ( and mine ) witnessed by a Notary.
What's she going to use to contact you? A Weejee board?

I made a copy of my driver's license and said pretty much the above, and if it was going to be so damn involved, just leave your name on it.

Maybe I ought to get the phone line back and use dialup. This is getting absurd.

[backhoe]

-- our first Christmas together, on that "prestigious, private Island," in The House of the Satanist

Here is the link:

http://www.freedominion.com.pa/phpBB2/v ... 26#1193626
The House of the Satanist.
( Reposted from October 24, 2006 the Squeaky Wheel )

[backhoe]

Well, buttmunch, another eve draws nigh, or whatever eves do...

Hotter than blazes, but except for a few minutes running to cool the kitchen and Zoey's former living quarters, the big plants stayed off and we used the two 110V units. Maybe the electric bills won't be as bad this month.

Sure miss having you to talk to-- found a kernel in my right armpit that wasn't there last time I checked. Moot anyway, since we lost your medical plan with your job, and "we" can't afford anything beyond a Doctor's visit.

The battery for the deck is coming up-- if the charging doesn't kill one of those old cells, we're in business.

Once again, I forgot to give Zoe the evening antibiotic, but a little and as clear as the fluid is coming from the incision, it's probably OK. I just need to get it together better. She's perking up OK, but still a little woozy from the general. Sleeps a lot more. The half a Tramdol seems to be sufficient to ease her moving.

Beautiful day, alternately clear and stormy.

Wish you were here to see it, with us.

"...and I straighten
Miss Emily's picture
on the wall..."

[backhoe]

Well, my baby-child...

http://www.potw.org/archive/potw85.html

"THE wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees,
<B> The moon was a ghostly galleon</b> tossed upon cloudy seas,
The road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,
And the highwayman came riding—
Riding—riding—
The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn-door. "

The ghostly galleon rises once more over the trees-- from the compass point where the Atlantic lies, where my family home is no more...

...and once again, your babies- now, my pack O dogs-- poke me up...

"Gotta go Daddy! Look! Possum!! Rat!! Oh, nevermind... "

The Bat Tree from the deck seems to be coming back to life, so I guess I can get it cranked and loaded, drag it here, and mow... oh, joy in the morning...

Whilst checking electrolyte levels in it, I feel the tread on the tires of 'our' car... you needed new tires about the time you quit your job, and we didn't do it, do to that ole devil money.

But I am going to have to replace them.

Like I always told you,

"The young'uns want to spend money on stuff that makes the car go fast or look good... me, I like to spend it on things that can get you killed if you don't keep them up... the running gear.

Brakes, tires, suspension, steering. If they aren't right, it can kill you."

The only saving grace is that when you were alive and driving that 60 mile, every day commute to the job I never thanked you enough for having, to support this little family, you needed really good tires, and road service to keep you going.

Me? Don't need that, so I can put the cheapest tires I can find on it.

Got a stack of bills to pay.

Got a vast old house, so full of you, so empty of me...

One day, maybe God- or whatever the Hell is in charge of all this-- will make it right.

Until then?

"...I straighten
Miss Emily's picture
on the wall..."

love ya, kid
never said it enough
scratch Taffy's ears for me

[backhoe]

Heart of my heart, since "Letters" rolled over 2,000 views, there have been 3080 more...

Someone, somewhere, cares enough about you to return here.

Makes me happy/sad/sorrowful/joyful all at the same time.

I was thinking about where I might have some other photos of you, besides the ones I've posted here and on "Died," and I swear, I can't seem to recall any...

I'll look, but I think I didn't take any others

because I thought I'd always have you around

Got a million things to do today... old, tired, hurt in heart and body, but I got a lot of miles to pull... I guess that's good--

Looking back at my Pennick Road adventures, despite the hurt of old memories, it was a good thing- yes, without you, but a new adventure for me, seeing old stuff subtly changed but still gorgeous-- going, and doing once again new things.

Kind of wish I had a house out there, even a tarpaper shack, so I'd see all that beauty coming "home..."

Here, I keep having the errant thought when I go & come, "Never thought I'd do all this without Emily..."

Well, I gotta roll, kiddo-
( "The Roads Must Roll" )

without you by my side, friend and advocate and backup
but I gotta do it

I'll look for pictures sometime and if I find any, I'll put them here.

johnny
who will love you until he is no more
but I got things I gotta do

[backhoe]

Well, Cutie, the day isn't half over, and it's another one of those "should have stood in bed" days...

After running the dogs, I headed out, mailed the bills, and tried to crank the deck.

Wouldn't even kick- no fuel, or no fire. Naturally I forgot to bring a can of ethyl ether with me, so I locked up and went to Wal-Mart to get some.

While I was there, I checked the tire prices-- the cheapest "price point" was $37.95, but naturally the size your little buzz bomb takes was $52... hmm, $200 for a set of "cheap" tires? I remember $10 recaps...

Go back, and the engine will run as long as it has ether, then dies.
Try this several times, and finally it won't run at all.
There's gas in the filter, so I rap the carb base to jar the float, try again- nuthin'

Won't run at all, now.

I suspect the kill switch has also gone bad, in addition to whatever fuel problems it's having, and decide to go home & get a known good switch to eliminate that.

A bright idea occurs- there is a "discount" tire store on the way, so I stop there,
fella says, "$40 for a tire, we can do it in 5 minutes," and I tell him I'll be back as fast as I can get the car and let the dogs out.

I do this, get back, and it seems he thought it was one tire I needed- he has no others, and neither does his other store...

Thank him, head home, think- well, why not try the last place we got tires? The dogs don't really notice time like we do, they just know you're there, or gone.

Remember, this place turned in to "Tire Kingdom?"

Well, it's all different, I state my case for "a set of your cheapest tires" and the fella comes up with

$358...

I thank him, thinking 4 X 40 = 160 for a set from the other guy...

Return there, ask him, you did say $40 a tire?
Sez he, "well, that's not for a set, let me add it up..."

And comes up with $330 for four tires...

Funny math, huh? Wal-Mart's $52 wonder is looking pretty good.

I check the yellow pages, and naturally not a soul is advertising recaps nowadays.

Meanwhile, got an ornery small engine to troubleshoot. It was running fine when I shut it off last summer, and it's been under the passthru at the store.
Remember, it's dark there, and I have enough trouble seeing in good light.

Need to take tools to remove the float bowl, and soft wire to rod the passages- and a new switch.

Gee, I'm tired already...